It was perhaps eleven years ago now, the 'stuff' of my life had emptied, the things that were the fabric of my being frayed away, I had been on a steady trajectory in one direction and suddenly it was as if the boosters failed and I began swirling to a halt. In this time I had finally, after a long struggle, got a clear but chronic diagnosis to years of pain, the future, which once felt like a cultivated garden seemed to morph in a wild meadow. There was no order, no clear cut path, there was just life in all its uncontrolled, uncultivated mass, weeds and beauty and somewhat chaos. It was unfamiliar, vulnerable and full of grieving, but it was also an invitation, perhaps then unwanted, but no less an invitation to discover my truth. For in that place there was also peace, this intimidating wide open, wild place was full of seeds. Seeds of truth and possibility that could only be discovered as I took time to see and embrace the wild place I now found myself in. It was there in the wild lands of life I truly began to dream, dream for me, not to conjure up noble dreams for others, for impact, but for my own tender heart. And so I sat for many months in the space of that meadow. And I often find myself there again, I've learnt to find the beauty in the fury of life, when there is the myriad of weeds mixed with flora and beauty, where nothing feels contained and can overwhelm, theres glory there.
There are seeds there for new.
In my days of dreaming I dreamed to be one who would have a heart like a seed head, that my life, my expression, my words would generate seeds that would somehow scatter and grow and conceive life in others. I grew captivated by the beauty of a dandelion seed head and how marvellous a creation to transform into something that itself can launch the potential for life to take elsewhere, unknown places. Perhaps I began to dream I would too become a wild meadow, something rich and untamed, laden with life and in itself beautiful. I also learnt here the art of to 'Let go', to let go of all I had perceived the landscape of my life would be, to let go of old, to let go of dreams and even the seeds of them. I learnt the gift in that. The art of laying down, yielding my 'rights' and 'shoulds' to accept the terrain and fauna of what is, and dreaming beyond, yet from that place. We grow as we learn to let go, for in letting go we gain, we gain life, we produce the seeds that germinate onwards. It was in the wild place I learnt I was, could be, what I dreamed to be. It was in these years I began my truest journey of discovery, I possessed truths I didn’t know were mine, I owned my story, sound and my own possibilities. I became my truths with integrity, rather than wearing them as masks for a different inner reality.
When we began Wild Rest, it was amid this season, and much of my own, our own, journey of discovery is part of the seeds we had to sow. Wild Rest still is, and manifests as, the dreams we recovered and discovered in that season, yet in multifaceted and many layered forms and ways. We have evolved within our dreams and our dreams have evolved within us, they are not static and immovable, truly they transform and metamorphose as we take more land of our own hearts and live with more wholeness and truth, as our story reads on. When we began the small expressions of Wild Rest, in the early days, we used that seed head as a reminder that what we ourselves incubate and nurture can be given away, that in fact the things we receive are for that: to be sown, generously, in wild places knowing they shall give life and form anew. This is our act of surrender and devotion, recognising that our hearts were fashioned to be filled with and burst forth with life; our lives designed to be fruitful, and our dreams are not our own, we live with the intention of legacy and investment. Love is just that, when we sow wildly we invest in others, and we create legacy of love for others to live in and from. We often find our greatest blossoming comes from the seeds of surrendering to the unforeseen and uncultivated places of our journey. I spent much of my early ‘ministry’ years with genuine zeal and devotion, yet striving to make the right sound to fit and be influential, and I did. My dreams were in many ways real, but lacked the integrity of my own truth, lacked possession of my own land and the fidelity of my own sound. It was in the wild places, I found those things, I lost the old order, I lost the path and all the comfort and control it gave me, I found a new way to walk, with sure footing through the wild lands, it hasn’t come with the ‘applause’ of man, but the ambiance of the way has been the delight of my Father. And, to know His love and delight truly is my dream come true, this was the gift and confidence grown in the wild meadows of life.
Perhaps these are the seeds we are full of too.