I wrote briefly recently how I am moving in desire towards possessing more space and ground in my relationship with Father.
I am addressing my innate purpose for intimacy. Intimacy and belonging to love in its purest, holiest, perfect form. As I choose to tread deeper in, I go in confidence because I am zealous for such destiny, and yet my each every step feels small, even daring, for humbling is the way of love.
And with each forward motion in longing to take more ground and increase the expanse of relationship, I begin to comprehend the offerings I must give and bring.
With each step I must show up with my whole heart, hiding places must be put away, the rags of shame that I can find in the wardrobe of my pains must be brought forth to be burnt, my heart must be uncovered fully as I learn all the depths of integrity that in deed makes way for intimacy.
I must dare to go authentically, honestly that I may truly experience and possess the full space of what it is to be loved and share in a love that I’m so unworthy of, yet utterly invited to belong in and unto.
As a family, as a community, we talk a lot about integrity and authenticity, they are values we hold core, and yet I've been gently reminded as I move through my current chapter of story that my authenticity also has the face of repentance. I take time for honest conversations with Father because I am aware I need them, simply to show up in life I need raw dialogue with the One whose love does not discriminate on my good moments or my bad, who tends to my failings as much as celebrates my success. The One who fiercely loves the whole of me while gently beautifying me for a greater glory than I would deserve. The One who nourishes me with grace despite myself and gazes at me and sees not as I see. Without honest conversation I fail to rise, and He invites me to do so. Repentance keeps me close to the look of love that defines me.
If I hold fast to integrity and choose to offer my authentic self then I have to acknowledge the full terrain of my heart land, there is a lot. At times I easily fall into shame, there are days when I find the temptation of the enemy lies easy to feed on. I am not always patient, nor always kind, I battle with frustrations and I loose sight of what grace is for me and for others from me.
Some days pity pretends to be a better friend than hope.
There are weeks insecurity envelops how I see and perceive. All these weeds are part of the garden of my heart that I need to tend to, I need to be gardener and I need The Gardener, whose words and gaze, whose presence and perceptions expose, illuminate and pull up vegetation that works against my divine purpose. It is also He that opens my eyes when they get dull or weary to the plethora of colour and fragrance, the unique and quite lovely blossoms that grow from and within this garden of me.
There is no hiding in love, for love ever calls, like a mirror held before us, we see ourselves in love, His love.
It is His kindness that leads to repentance, isn’t that just so Him?
His loving kindness resting on us, pursuing us, beckons us to return to his voice, His gaze, the place close to Him. I have never yet found a stern frown, a harsh tone, or a look of disappointment, only eyes that tear at my own pain, and a tone that’s firm in truth and weighty in affection, and a look that looks on me with compassion and mercy that I can but run into that presence because I know it holds my healing. It is but life to turn to Him, return when our hearts gets lost and wander, turn back when we chose a lesser way or one. It is life to return with our whole hearts in offering, holding nothing back, holding on to nothing less but moving towards the one we were made for. We are called to belong to, exist in. A calling is a tug on the heart, may our hearts ever tug us towards Him.
Dear hearts we want to encourage you to hold nothing back, to have raw conversations with God, who already knows and sees us fully, but gave us a choice, because love requires choice.
He desires us to choose love, with vulnerability, humility and trust. We know, and are ever learning that, we can go to Him with our petitions and prayers, our hopes and dreams, we are finding deeper and deeper the realities and revelations of His goodness towards us, His intentional and detailed thoughts and works in our lives, and we must ever pursue His heart for us. Yet too, I propose, May we know our need to talk, to commune with Him about and in our mess, our mistakes, our weaknesses, we need to go there, He invites, and He waits in love and leads us in kindness. He has opened the door of intimacy, and we can step through its thresholds; In daring to live in this space of integrity with Him we get to experience His grace, mercy, comfort, strength, His deeper love, incredible hope and His faith in us, His perfection over our weaknesses, His beauty in our ashes, His mercy in our mistakes, His joy in our need for Him. He wants to meet us in our mess as much as our desires and hope. He is the God who invites. The One who moment by moment tugs on our hearts.
For me I came to know, after many years dulled to this truth, that in sonship Abba, my Heavenly Father invited me fully as I am, He did not expect perfection from me, in fact He made provision for my every imperfection and His love is deeply vast enough to cover all my weaknesses, His only desire is that I would come, fully, truthfully, wholly to Him and know this love, experience His heart for me and His unbelievably good thoughts towards me, even though many are my mistakes, weaknesses and imperfections. I am invited. He actually wants me to get close to Him, all, every part, and state of me, despite myself. I was not failing Him in my imperfection, I was failing myself by not falling into His perfect love. My heart is no longer dulled to His expectation of me and I so, even in this moment, as He tugs on my heart, I remember I’m called and do confidently respond no matter what state my heart is in.
I need Him and it is in Him I am.